Going West

A week from today, I’m moving to Los Angeles. I’m trading the best coast for the west coast, subway cars for hybrids, and the Gowanus canal for the ones in Venice I hear so much about. I’m swapping pizza for tacos and bagels for, I don’t know, probably some kind of spinach wrap or flatbread? Definitely something less good than bagels…. definitely taking a big hit there…

As for New York, I will miss it and everyone in it. The city can’t be fully understood in prose or pictures or playlists, so I won’t try. Instead, I’d like to thank New York for doing what New York does—for breaking people down and rebuilding them in its own image: harder, better, faster, stronger, skyscraping monuments of capability. 

New York, I love you. 

All my friends, too. And my family. You’re exceptional and one and the same. 

A wise person once said, “The thing about New York is that, whoever you are, you’re not that important.” And although that statement is thoroughly and delightfully true, it doesn’t mean that sometimes you can’t feel that way, if only for a beer or two. So, to everyone who came out to wish me well, thank you for the send off. It meant a lot. To everyone who wished me goodbye, thank you for the kind words. To everyone who gave me parting gifts… that was less helpful—I’m already out of room in my luggage. 

And to those of you who might be a little sad, don’t think of this as losing a friend; think of it as gaining a self-centered, sun-soaked jagwagon who will probably let you stay at his place next time the hypercosmic polar vortex cold snaps the eastern seaboard into ice chips.

Seriously though, please come visit. I’ll miss you. 

The Predictive Text Feature On My iPhone Writes A Short Story

The Only Way To Get My Money

by Joe’s iPhone 6

I love you so much better than the other day. The only thing that would make my life is to get my hair done tomorrow night. I’m not going anywhere else in the morning. The best thing ever is when you have no idea what I’m saying. I’m not sure how much you can be found, but the fact that you have no idea how I can get the hang of it is not the best thing ever. 

I love it when people say they have been in my head. I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired of being the best thing ever. I’m so tired of being the only one who can make a difference. I’m so tired and hungry for more information about the future.

I love it when people say they are not the only one who can be a little bit more like a baby. The first half of the day before the game is the only thing that could make a good time waster and a lot of people are just too cute for the rest of the day. I don’t know how much you mean by that. The first place I can see, I have to be able to see you. 

I’m not sure what the actual website is. I’m so excited about this one. 

The best thing ever is when you have to go back in time for the rest of the year and the other side is the only thing that could have been a good time. The first place for me to be able to see you at the end of this is not an option. I’m not going anywhere near me. The only way you can get a follow from my phone is on the other side.

I’m at work today and it is the most important thing in my life. The only thing. The first place I want to be. The only way I can get it together and make it. The only thing that I don’t think I might just go back to. The only way you can get a new one. The only way you can be found. The only thing that could make a new song on the other hand. The best thing ever.

The best thing ever is when you are not a bad thing. The best thing ever is when you have to go. The best thing ever is when I get to know what you are. The best thing ever is when I get my phone and it is not the only thing I don’t think you can get. 

I’m not going to get my hair done tomorrow night. I’m not going to be able to get my phone to the point of view of my life and death. The first time since I’ve never had to be the same. The first time since the beginning.

I love it when people don’t like you. I have no clue who you are. I love it.